I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
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*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
best first i’ve ever seen
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.