every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
You Might Also Like
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Hey i am sexy to you now
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?