colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
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Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
What the hell is going on?
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.