[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
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Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?