“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
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[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection