[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
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Not messing around
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.