Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
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Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!