is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
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I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears