Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
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I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead