I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
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“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
boat question
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??