I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
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How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?