my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
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[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Oh we’ve met.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
That’s enough internet for the day
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[the middle of showering] I need a break
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls