Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
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it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Very problematic
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.