Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
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Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Is your wife single?
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.