Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
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I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
what?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Confused owl: What?!
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped