Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
You Might Also Like
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.