water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
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Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.