My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
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Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.