Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
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“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
This is hilarious….
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Brother?
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”