“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
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You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
FINE, I WON’T.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I love the National Park Service.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares