I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
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My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
FINE, I WON’T.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex