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My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
this is what they would have looked like, though
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy