HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
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me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]