My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
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My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.