I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
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just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Des Moines Police having a normal one
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
welp
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.