my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
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🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you