My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
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I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
i meant to share this earlier
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.