My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
You Might Also Like
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*