I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
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My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.