Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
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MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus