I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
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I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
im 7 sauces long
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants