Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
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How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The symmetry is uncanny.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Who did it better?
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.