My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
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A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My inexpensive home security system…
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park