Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
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Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I enjoy a good short stor
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.