Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
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Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Truth
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I unironically love this joke.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.