Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
You Might Also Like
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
The Weeknd is back
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now