When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
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Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Not today. 😅
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it