Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
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Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?