I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
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I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.