is this a warning or an offer?
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M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I drew y’all a little something.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Cashiers are always checking me out
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.