“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
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I can always tell when it鈥檚 closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven鈥檛 been made yet
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Thoughts
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I鈥檓 here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.馃寧鉂わ笍
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.