i actually laughed đ©
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When does CPR become necrophilia?
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, âI love holy matrimonyâ. She pats on the open seat beside her.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[Restaurant]
Waiter: âCan I box any of this food for you?â
Me: âYou can uppercut this piece of chicken.â
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, Iâm in.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
8yo: daddy whatâs your best talent?
me: hmm I donât know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no thatâs not it
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isnât that weird at allâuntil you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I donât know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
My daughter just said, âI love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizzaâ and now Iâm crying because thatâs the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said âmommy, youâre perfect, hereâs a present for youâ. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didnât hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
âin case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human headâ
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Thereâs an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Donât look just take my word for it.