Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
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He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.