8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
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Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories