My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that