Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
You Might Also Like
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that