Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
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damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
#JohnTravolta