Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
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I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
The news is so predictable nowadays
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.