The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
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Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol