[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
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It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.